


Middle Earthian Stuff

by Narsil5



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, During The Hobbit, Fluff, Gen, LOTR, Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Rings crack, The Hobbit - Freeform, This popped into my head at like 10 at night so ok, lotr crack, should be interesting, sorta - Freeform, the hobbit crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 06:22:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17678129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narsil5/pseuds/Narsil5
Summary: Whatever Middle Earth stuff pops into my head. This was random. The first is mostly Bilbo's POV.





	Middle Earthian Stuff

Bilbo woke to shouts from the dwarves.  
He sat straight up, looking about. He half expected an orc attack, though they were only about halfway up the Mountains.  
What he was greeted with was much more terrifying.  
A snowball fight.  
All Bilbo could manage was to look around at the mayhem surrounding him. Fili and Kili were full-on wrestling, Balin and Dwalin were tag-teaming Thorin, who was throwing snowballs back in retaliation so quickly that all Bilbo could see of the fur clad arm was a blur.  
Bilbo glanced around the make-shift settlement that had sheltered the Company from the light snowfall of the night before. Considering as it was only early fall, Bilbo found it odd that it was snowing this early in the year but taking the higher altitude in to account he supposed that it was reasonable to have a couple inches of snow this time of year.  
Muffled shouts came from the area where Fili and Kili were tussling. Fili had managed to pin his younger brother to the ground and was currently washing his face, quite thoroughly, with snow.  
Bilbo searched helplessly about him for the wizard. He spotted Gandalf taking partial shelter behind a rather large rock.  
“Gandalf, can’t you do someth-”  
Poof. The wizard’s well-aimed snowball smacked Bilbo right in the face.  
“Really?” Bilbo called out in exasperation as he wiped the snow out of his eyes. He caught the wizard’s eye as he balled up some snow.  
Gandalf mouthed a silent 'Oh no' before ducking fully behind his rock. Bilbo’s snowball grazed his pointy hat, but nothing more.  
Bilbo started to gather more snow to make another piece of ammunition, but just as he was steadying his arm to throw the wizard clambered into a tree.  
Bilbo shook his head and laughed. “Coward.” he called. In response Gandalf stomped on a branch, causing a pile of snow to fall. Some of it hit the hobbit, but the majority buried Bombur, who had constructed himself a hasty fort. Bifur and Bofur stopped their onslaught of snowballs to laugh at the misfortune of their kindred, then went back to their war.  
Suddenly, Bilbo’s sensitive hobbit-ears detected the sound of dwarf feet. Dwarf feet that were trying to be sneaky.  
He spun around, just in time to see a rather what could not really be considered a snowball, but rather a snow-boulder. Bilbo made a quick leap to the side, watching in momentary fascination as the thing smashed into a loosely constructed pile. It was one of those things that are oddly satisfying to watch, like when he had played with slime as a young hobbit.  
“YAAAH!”  
Bilbo spun around once again, this time to see that Dori, Ori, and Nori were charging Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur.  
Seeing the startled look upon the hobbit’s face, Balin disengaged his fight with Thorin to explain “Small family feud. When we have tournaments it’s traditional for their clans to fight each other.”  
“What started it?” asked Bilbo, dodging a snowball that came from the general direction of Thorin. It hit Balin square in the chest.  
“OI! I took a break to explain things to our burglar!” Balin shouted at the offending Dwarf King.  
“You did not declare an time-out, my friend!” Thorin called back, grinning. His triumph was short lived, however, as Dwalin avenged his brother by aiming a snowball just at the collar of Thorin’s coat. Icy water trickled down Thorin’s garments, which in turn caused Thorin to hop about like a mad man.  
Turning back to Bilbo, Balin explained “Something about gold.” Typical. thought Bilbo, but he said nothing aloud. “It was resolved however and is now mainly used a joke in minor games such as this.”  
“I see.” stated Bilbo politely. In truth, he thought Dwarfish customs very odd, but decided against voicing his opinion.  
Balin returned to the fray, leaving Bilbo to ponder the dwarves’ actions alone.  
Or.  
Or he could join in the mischief.  
Bilbo dropped to his knees just in time to avoid a stray projectile. He took no time to determine the offender, though, because he was looking for-  
There.  
An overhang in the rock wall. The perfect place to stock up on ammo.  
Considering as he had not done such a thing since he was a small hobbit, Bilbo was quite pleased with the roundness of his ammunition. His quick hands had made about fifty snowballs in a matter of minutes, and the hobbit set out to seek revenge upon those who had wronged him.  
From his nook Bilbo could see the whole camp. Gandalf had braved the dangers and come out of his tree, only to have his hat knocked off by Gloin. This gave Bilbo a what he decided would be the best opportunity. He waited just until the wizard was straightening up, then Bamf, square in the chest.  
Gandalf started, then looked up. Bilbo ducked behind his cover, narrowly missing being seen by the wizard’s keen eyes.  
Bilbo picked up another snowball, this time aiming for Thorin.  
Wap. The sound was extremely satisfying. Bilbo decided to get Thorin again, just for kicks. 'Grocer indeed.' thought Bilbo. He could feel the Tookish part of himself running rampant, and the queer thing was, he didn’t even care.  
Splat. Went the second snowball, this one hitting Thorin right in the face as he tried to pin-point his attacker.  
It was no use. There was no way a dwarf could see a hobbit who didn’t want to be seen, not without getting very lucky. Thorin shrugged and assumed it was one of his normal assailants, then went back to his spinning arm technique.  
This was the most fun Bilbo had had on this adventure, and that was counting Rivendell. He supposed Rivendell was more for relaxation than fun though.  
Bilbo directed his attention to Fili and Kili, who were still brawling in the snow. As they came from the same family, Bilbo assumed that this was merely sibling rivalry rather than a proper feud.  
Bilbo took careful aim, steadied his arm, and fired, one snowball after the other. His hobbit accuracy helped him hit both his targets, even though they were rolling all over the place.  
Dwalin was next. Having taken his battle instincts into account, Bilbo decided to target this particular dwarf’s back, hoping that Dwalin’s reaction time would be enough to give him time to hide once more.  
And so it went, Bilbo weighing his strategies and hitting each of the dwarves in turn. No one had noticed him yet, as they kept simply putting off his attacks a strays from the skirmishes around them.  
Having hit evry dwarf at least once (He had gone and hit Thorin once more, just for good measure) Bilbo decided to go after Gandalf again.  
But when he searched the ‘battle-ground’ for the wizard, Bilbo saw nothing. He was confused until-  
“Bilbo Baggins!”  
Bilbo jumped, and upon turning he found himself face-to-face with Gandalf.  
“Looking for someone?” asked the wizard, brows bristling.  
Bilbo managed a small smile, then made to run. Gandalf was too quick even for a hobbit, however, and caught Bilbo’s hood on the end of his staff.  
“I have found our secret attacker.” Gandalf said solemnly, as he dragged Bilbo out from the crevice.  
Bilbo grinned sheepishly at the dwarves, then pulled out his secret weapon. As the dwarves stared in stunned silence, he pulled out his secret weapon.  
The snowball he had hidden in his cloak.  
“You didn’t declare an official time-out!” he yelled, and as soon as Gandalf looked at him in surprise he chucked it into the unsuspecting wizard’s face.


End file.
